Not long ago, I was talking to a dear friend who was engaged in huge clashes with his teenage son. "He's craving your respect," I suggested. "What do you mean? I AM respecting him!" he defensively responded. I asked him, "On your terms or his?"

I gave him some questions to consider: "Are you wearing reactive, negative feelings on your sleeve as you begin your discussion with him? Do you let him finish sentences? Are you waiting to tell him how wrong he is or are you truly listening to him and wanting to find common ground?"

"Hmmm . . . now that you say it that way, maybe I'm not respecting him," he thought aloud.

"Give him a gift," I suggested.

"What do you mean, a gift?" he asked. I explained, "Instead of first resisting (which causes more resistance from your son), respect and value him in a way that touches his heart - then watch how he begins to respond to you."

I saw my friend a couple weeks later and asked him how he and his son were getting along. "We still have our moments but it is amazing how he is responding to my new approach!" I heard a smile in his voice.

Initially, my friend didn't connect his resistance and lack of respect to his son's negative reactions. However, he quickly saw the light. He took the role of the leader and initiated a respectful dialogue. He became the pattern for his son to follow.

Respect is most effective with those you closely work and live with when it is given on their terms, not yours. The key is taking the time to truly understand who they are and what specific needs they have at the time.

Respect is a reciprocating value. David Kaplan, President of International Association of Marriage & Family Counselors recently said, "In my experience, the biggest single problem that causes youths today to act out is a lack of respect for adolescents and children by their elders, parents, and schools."

Perhaps this applies to more than just our children. Is there times when we get so focused on the lack of respect we see in others that we don't consider that we may be part of the cause?

Recently, Sandy and I interacted with our son Robert on a sensitive issue. Robert was dodging the issue and we were clearly frustrated with him. Our emotions were escalating. As parents, we were tempted to "force" the issue as the "authorities" in his life. Instead, we declared a "time out!" and used a different approach. We valued him by taking time to listen and understand his concerns rather than steamrolling him with our demands.

An amazing thing then happened. He began to share his heart openly and invited our perspective in the matter. Within moments, we resolved the issue and we all felt closer and more committed to each other.

As a leader, you are an agent of change. In one of Aesop's fables, the sun and the wind challenged each other on who's most effective. Are you creating change with the warmth of your respect or the windy force of your demands?

The impact of your leadership can produce amazing results - especially in the small, seemingly insignificant interactions with those closest to you. Who needs your gift of "Respect" the most today?